i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
