And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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