Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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