dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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