glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
