I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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