Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
