I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
