They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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