I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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