Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize