Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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