he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
