Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
