Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
