How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
