My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
