This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
