mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Randomize
