A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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