Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
