when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
