One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
