Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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