and you said cock pushups were impossible
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
