We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
