I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
