I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
