How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
