What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize