I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
