Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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