Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
