You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
