It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize