Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
