I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
