Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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