My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
