"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
