I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
me + whiskey = a bad person
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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