remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
