we have officially lost it.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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