there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
