and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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