oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
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