Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
