It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
