I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
