he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
