I am spending my child support on dildos
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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