I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
