your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize