I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
