my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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