you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
