I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
