She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
