She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
the day after is always just damage control
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
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