3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
