Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
