so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
