How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
