i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
