So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize